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Old skinny man being assaulted by two vivacious women on Duck
WISHFUL THINKING
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all things, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said:
“ Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied: “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”"Fear Factor"
submitted by Joe D'AdamoItaly and England have sent troops to Iraq. Two generals, one English, and the other Italian, were discussing strategy, etc. The Italian asked the Englishman, "What do you do when you're leading your men?"
'The first thing I do," said the Englishman "is I ask my aide to go get my red pants."
The Italian was puzzled, "Red pants? Why?"
Responded the English general, "That way if I get shot my men won't be able to see that I'm bleeding and get upset."
A few days later, the Italian troops, being led by their general, came under heavy fire. The general shouted out to his aide, "Go get my brown pants!"
"Looka Bad"
This old Italian owned a horse farm. A prospective buyer looked over the horses and picked out the one he wanted to buy. The horse owner advised the buyer to pick another one because the one he chose "no looka good."
"He looks fine to me," said the buyer, who finally told the reluctant owner, "I don't care what you say, I still think he looks fine"
The deal was made but two weeks later, the buyer returned with his purchase and demanded his money back."That horse you sold me bumped into trees, ran into other horses. He can't even find the feed bag.He's blind!".
To which the horse owner replied "I told you he no looka good."
" Don't Interrupt!"Maria was a devout church-goer. She liked to stop in churches when she was out and about. On one visit to a church, she sat alone in a pew praying to the Blessed Mother while, unbeknownst to her, workmen were overhead fixing the lighting.
The two workers decided to have some fun, and one, in his deepest voice, called down to Maria, intoning, "I am Jesus!" several times while Maria prayed.
Finally, the old woman could take the interruptions no longer and shouted back, " Shut up! I'm talking to your mother!""First Things First"
Antonio was on his death bed and he was curious about the sweet smell originating from the kitchen downstairs. He called his daughter and said, " Bettina, go downstairs and find out what's that smell." Bettina dutifully went downstairs and returned to tell Papa, "Mamma's making pizzelles." Pappa said to the daughter, "Go downstairs and ask Mamma for a couple pizzeles." Again, daughter obliged and returned empty-handed."Mamma said she can't give you any pizzelles. She's saving them for your funeral reception."
